Monday, 10 October 2016

First world problem: The body suit.

Previously used to show off the bony bits, now used to hide the curvy bits. Either way, a kind of a love of my life, the body suit.

If you do not own one of these right now, I suggest that you purchase yourself a body suit immediately, if not sooner!

-smooths out the imperfections
-makes you boobs look amazing (even if it is a turtle-neck one... please do not ask me why!)
-stays tucked into your jeans/trousers/skirt without the need to perform a weird dance of tucking it back in
-feels... comforting. Is it something we remember from being a baby?
-no need for underwear! bonus!

As magical as this sounds, we all know that things are too good to be true when they truly are to good to be true. As much as I am a fan of body suits, I must admit that the tend to come with a flaw. A major one. I am going to say (write) it out loud - the bathroom situation.

Looking better than ever, you purchase this wonderful piece of clothing and decide to show it off for the first time in its most natural habitat - on a night out. The gals arrive, the conversation is flowing as well as the liquor, you are feeling that you are your most fabulous self! Do you also know that feeling? Yes, I am on top of the world! The cute guy in the corner is checking me out. Naturally, I pretend that I do not notice and play hard to get. My attention being hard to get, of course.

Around midnight (unlike Cinderella) you hit the moment when you have to say 'please excuse me' (or more likely (less lady-like) 'I'm off for a wee wee') and head toward the ginormous queue pouring out of the ladies. Minutes turn into hours but you are managing to keep your face and your eyebrows straight. There you are, at the front. Now minutes are centuries. Open pop the door. You are in girl! Right, zip undone, button undone and you are ready to rock and roll. But are you? Body suit! We all know where things click together. Feeling desperate, you just pull and the 'click' sound brings you the feeling of relief. Sadly, it is time to click it back together.

Cave women may have had no difficulties (and no body suits). Modern women, however, tend to fake a lot, including their nails. Have you ever dropped a penny? It must have been a woman who invented the pound coin. Anything else is not worth the struggle of picking it up with fake nails! Popping the two inseparable pieces of the bodysuit together after a few drinks in a narrow loo with 5-inch heels on is something that even Tom Cruise surrounded by lasers in Mission Impossible would not master! First, you should have listened to your yoga teacher and actually do yoga as opposed to loving the idea of it. Second, the fake nails suddenly seem to be your worst enemy. Most importantly, the fear of falling over and touching the loo floor or walls - beyond disgusting. Balancing somewhere between your crotch and humiliation, you suddenly feel the self-esteem going out of the window. Or being flushed down the toilet, due to the lack of windows. You suddenly feel sorry for olympic gymnasts as that is all they ever wear! And the pressure is on! Remaining calm and only breaking a miniscule bit of a sweat, you manage to straighten your crown and return to the party. If only they knew what happened behind the closed door... 'Did you want another  drink?' 'No, thanks', comes out of your mouth before you think twice.

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