Monday, 29 December 2014

I knew you were trouble.

What do these photos have in common? Clearly me. But apart from that they all mean trouble. Serious drama. The inevitable cramp just below the shoulder blade and the wish you were more flexible. The potential embarrassing and slightly humiliating necessity for saying could you help me with that, please? You know what I'm talking about. You know it very well if your ever bought one. The mighty JUMPSUIT. The one that makes you feel and look oh-so-fabulous and regret the decision to wear it every time you need to... powder one's nose.

All these photos were taken about a year ago and actually show you my black-to-blonde transition but that was also the time when I became obsessed with jumpsuits. I've never been what you (so politically incorrectly) call fat but I have not been on the petite side either since becoming a teenager. I never felt comfortable enough to wear a jumpsuit as it would be definitely highlighting my weak points, e.g. mahoosive thighs. You cannot blame me for getting as many jumpsuits as I could when I finally started looking after my body from the inside and outside by eating well and moving a bit more. I would sleep in one if I could. But that would be technically called a onesie. And I swore to myself that I would never own neither a onesie nor a fluffy bathrobe.

Going back to the matter. Jumpsuits are super elegant. As Solange Knowles was quicker to get married then me (as I am nowhere close) I super envy her wedding jumpsuit! It was actually my idea but who's going to believe me now? Jumpsuits are feminine. They make you stand up straight and require heels - yet another excuse to wear them despite my over-pronating tendencies. I feel like a cross between Kate Middleton and Tilda Swinton when I put one on. But when it comes to jumpsuits there is a major down side. It is also worsened by the fact that alcohol makes you dehydrated. Ladies, you know this, gentlemen, you probably don't but going for a wee in a jumpsuit is a nightmare.

That awkward moment when your housemate/lover/mum/bf isn't around and you cannot possibly reach the zip. I wanted to congratulate Topshop for coming up with the idea of having a long piece of string attached to the zip in one of my dresses but why not transfer this fabulous invention onto your jumpsuits? The problems that arise are numerous: first, you wish you stretched during the PE at school. Second, you wish human beings were actually equipped with a go-go-Gadget-arm. Third, you are more than likely in a desperate position (nobody goes when they just start feeling that the might need to go; there's always a story you need to listen to/tell first for fear of missing out). Also, don't forget how things work in life. And I do have a feeling that designers forget about it. What happens when you put your arms up to reach for the zip? Exactly. The camel toe situation is taken to a completely new level! And a rather uncomfortable one!

I haven't actually told you why I'm raising this issue. The big night of the year is coming: NYE. And like every lady on this planet I'm asking myself the inevitable question: what on Earth am I going to wear? Some of us have already taken advantage of Boxing Day sales. Others wait for the UPS man to deliver the goodies. But remember - time is ticking. It will be 8pm on a Wednesday night before you know it. And the level of drama happening in the ladies is not just up to the women discussing how X shagged Z despite dating Y. It's up to you. Feel good, look stunning and wee happy.

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